3 weeks and counting / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks in this hospital. I’ve had more bad days then good but that’s why I’m here, right? Anyway, I’ll start from admission. 

I finally got in and saw my psychiatrist not long after. I was immediately weened off the Lexapro and put onto Prestiq. Despite him previously stating that we should avoid SNRIs, it had become clear that I needed some thing stronger to make any kind of dint in my depression. So Prestiq is an SNRI just like Efexor and Cymbalta. It was a choice of one of them and It seemed obvious to choose the one I hadn’t tried. Problem is, like the Efexor, it could cause spikes in my mania.

So we’ve got to keep a close eye on it. I’m now up to 150mg, which he managed to pump me up to pretty quickly. And hello mania, I had forgotten what it was like while I was stuck in my depression. Sometimes it’s great, other times it has way too much agitation attached. And often causes me to feel trapped in here. Not only that but I’m still experiencing my super lows. So I’m all over the shop again. The psychiatrist put up my valproate as well, so that’s 600mg morning and night now. I suppose he’s hoping it’ll help level me out more. But the theory is that the mania is safer than my chronic depression, which nearly caused the end of me,

Another thing he did as soon as I got in was arrange for me to see one of the psychologists who do inpatient work here. Now he had been trying for awhile to find someone who could also bulk bill me since I have basically no money. Private health only gets you so far apparently.

Anyway I started seeing her, pretty skeptical at first as I am with such things. But very willing to try whatever it takes to get me healthy again. Turns out she was the most lovely person and it just clicked. I’ve seen her maybe 4 or 5 times and we’re slowly making progress on things. Such as how I ignore how I’m feeling right up until it’s too much. I have to stop doing that, so I need to check in with myself three times a day. But I can talk more about that later.

Most disappointing thing for me right now is I can’t go home tomorrow. I had overnight stay Tuesday to Wednesday to test how I’d go being released and that didn’t end too well. I was alright for the night, I hadn’t been left alone and I didn’t even think about it.

Then the next day when I was about to be left alone at home I was assuring them I’d be fine but then I started over thinking it. Very quickly I spiralled down not being able to get self harm thoughts out of my head. My mind went foggy and all I felt was pain and I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to go back to the hospital either, there’d be no nurse for me and I’d feel like such a failure. In the end someone else came over as well. I started to feel even worse, like I was wasting their time.

They had to stay with me, they couldn’t leave me. In the end I lost my desire to be alive. I just wanted to end it again. I very barely held on enough to remind myself that that wouldn’t make anything easier for them. I don’t always want to be alive, but they want me to be. So I’ll give it all I’ve got to stay that way. That’s why I’m in here.