Appointment with the psychiatrist / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide and Self Harm

It didn’t go as well as I guess I had hoped. I still can’t cry in front of him so afterwards I again hid in the bathroom and cried.

I did tell him though that I both wanted to punch a brick wall and cry, and that if I went back to my job today I would probably cry more than work. Not that I’m going back to work that soon, I’ve put myself down for the next roster though.

We are still waiting to see if maybe this med combo works. He doesn’t want to be too aggressive with the medication since it’s hard to tell whether it’s the mood cycling or my personality disorder taking the lead here. 

But if things get drastic, we can totally change up my meds, in hospital of course. If I’m still like this in a week when I see him again, I think that is what I’m going to have to opt for. I can’t keep living like this.

Wanting to live right now is questionable.

Hopefully the structure of my new degree and going back to work (when I do) help me out too. Apparently structure is great. I’ll do up a weekly schedule tomorrow, then later on I’ll add gym and making healthy food stuffs as well or something.

For now, I continue to wait and take more Valium and Seroquel. (doctors orders, no really)