Bad times / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm, suicide

I haven’t posted in awhile mostly because I’ve been too sick. I think it was the amount of Lithium I was on or the painkillers for my ankle, but all I could really manage was to lay in bed and somehow get to my appointments.

But now here I am posting, in one of the worst nights I’ve had since hospital. It’s kind of just got too much. The fractured ankle, my return of anxiety and this splitting headache that keeps appearing. It’s all very frustrating and it just feels like things keep getting in the way of me living my life, or something.

So here I am hiding in my room trying to convince myself that I don’t need to go to the hospital. Which sounds bad, maybe it is but sitting in a scary room in the hospital until probably tomorrow afternoon doesn’t sound ideal. Plus I have work tomorrow and chances are I’ll sleep this off. Or not and I’m actually entering a proper depressive episode but I guess that’s something I’ll have to deal with tomorrow.

Okay it sounds bad, but I can’t actually get into my hospital over the weekend and I’d need to get in contact with my psychiatrist. If I was really really bad I’d tell someone and get myself to the ER but now that I’m at the end of this post I’m not so bad.

Still struggling with a lot of urges that just happen to be stronger tonight but I think I can keep myself safe. Well I have so far anyway. 

I think I might go off Lithium when I see my psychiatrist next. Nausea has gone down mostly since reducing it but still I feel awful. The Saphris is even giving me unwanted side effects. When I take it I get more restless and this tingling sensation down my spine, which is very distracting from the whole sleep thing. Hell it’s distracting in general, I get too antsy to do anything. All things to talk about in my next appointment.

I have some homework from my psychologist too. She wants me to try breathing. Well, mindful breathing for 1min. Twice before I see her. For some reason it terrifies me, to slow down like that. To actually pay attention to myself. I generally try very hard to not notice whatever terrible feeling is going on, who knows what would happen if I let go for a minute. Of course I am trying to change that yes, cause it’s hard to experience things when you’re avoiding your own moods/feelings. That’s why I’m seeing her, to work on this stuff. So questions like “how are you?” aren’t just answered with a guess that may or may not be correct.

All things to think about. But I think I’ll be alright tonight now. Probably sleep soon, see what tomorrow brings.