Breathing or something / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Today was an alright day, until it became the worst day. Well, not the worst day really, I just suddenly felt the worst. About as bad as I was before I was last admitted to hospital.

At some point I stopped thinking about consequences of what I wanted to do. Nothing major luckily, but I can’t be sure that will always be the case.

A friend noticed, and helped me to make my room safe again. Something I’ve never had the power to do myself. I always seem to gather a scary collection of sharp objects. I might even be drawn to them.

I can’t decide if I should have checked myself into a hospital, my birthday is coming up and I’d just hate to be in there for it. That would just really be too much for me. Of course if it gets this bad on my birthday night, that’s gonna be no picnic either. 

Today has created a bit of an issue with attending work tomorrow. There is only so long you can wear giant band-aids before it becomes suspicious. In the case of some of my friends, they pick up on it immediately.

I guess it’s a problem for tomorrow. I’ve had my Seroquel for the night so hopefully that kicks in soon. It’s very frustrating not being able to hurt myself when I feel like this. I can’t take the edge off. This is where my psychologist (if I had one) would tell me to breathe or something.

I hear breathing is good. Hard though.