But I should be okay / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Here I am in a dark pit of depression for no apparent reason again. Not that there is ever really much of a trigger for it, it’s just today I actually did some stuff that usually helps me feel more in control of my life.

I got 3 new piercings and my haircut. It’s usually a sure fire way to pick me up, but no. Nope. I feel worse than I did this morning.

I should mention that I’ve now stopped my Lithium again. The side effects just weren’t doing it for me. So that probably isn’t helping. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow so I guess we’ll see what we can do from there. I dunno what to  say if he suggests going back on some Lithium, I was still bad while taking it just maybe not this bad. I just really don’t want to be on it anymore. But being on one medication to manage my mania, anxiety and severe depression doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work. 

I don’t know, I guess I’m just scared. After being incredibly manic for so long suddenly being thrown back to possibly being depressed for months again is just terrifying. That and if I do need an anti-depressant again that’ll probably trigger bad manic times. I just can’t win.

Amazingly I still haven’t done anything to hurt myself. And when I say amazingly, I mean it. It’s a hard thing to beat. So are all the other urges. If it got bad enough I would definitely get myself back into hospital, but I really want to avoid that. I need to keep working so I can afford to pay off things. But I’m not silly enough to risk my life, I’d let my psych know it was that bad. Then he’d suggest it, and I’d agree. It’s a system that’s been working.

I guess I’ll just see what the next step is tomorrow.