Discharge / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

It’s been nearly a week since I got out. I totaled 2 and a half weeks in there. I absolutely needed to be there as well. I went to some groups on various things I need to get better at, like stress and time management. And managing depression itself. Most nights were difficult for me, which was the pattern before I was admitted. Towards the end I was much better at talking to my nurse about it and getting help. I haven’t hurt myself since I was admitted 3 weeks ago, almost exactly to the time.

And tonight I’ve started getting the self harm and suicide urges again. They went away for a bit after I got out, I was too busy moving and going through a manic episode. But now after my second day of work and back to my normal life, they’re back. It was never expected that they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be better at handling them, or something. 

I am definitely in a better place than I was before, and I’ve broken out of the self harm cycle. As easy as it is to slip back in. I nearly lost it when I found some shears in my toolkit. It was calling to me, the sharp sharp blades. I still have it in my kit, I couldn’t take it out, but I haven’t used it either. It’s probably the self destructive side of me that drove me to keep them and not tell someone. A part of me would also like to be able to have these things without being a danger to myself. 

One thing I noticed while in hospital, was my aggression levels. It’s been years since I had anything like this level of aggression. Not since my angsty teens. I joke about that all the time, but really I was a scary person then. From what I can remember. I would lose my temper at the drop of a hat, and it was madness. But I hit some point, around the time I decided to never let anyone know I was depressed/struggling/hurting myself, that I just became so passive. I mean, I was before, I never hurt anyone but myself. But I just bottled it all up. I never lost my temper again. 

Now, I’m finding myself more and more aggressive. Not sure where it is leading, but it’s never been directed outward at least. I think it’s mostly agitated, and when you’re stuck in a hospital with not a lot of options it gets bad. Especially when I can’t stand being trapped.

I took up boxing when I finally got myself to the gym there. It really helped and when that was closed push ups and when my wrists were too sore, sit ups.

Where I’m staying now has a boxing bag, though it is way too cold to consider going outside to use it. So I’ve been doing push ups. I think my Seroquel will hit in soon.

Unfortunately I think this hospital stay cost my company another paid project. We needed to get done a demo for a client to prove we could do the job, but instead I was in hospital and didn’t even think to contact them till afterwards. I’m starting to feel pretty bad about all the client work I’ve lost the business lately. But I know it’s not my fault and health comes first but it makes me wonder sometimes if I can do it. If I can get this company off the ground. It’s my dream, to run my own company. But when I also have to hold down a paid job in retail to pay my increasingly large medical/medication bills, it gets hard. So very hard. If I gave up the retail job, I’d have no money to live and for treatment to again, live. If I gave up my company I’d be giving up my dream and I think I’d be a lot worse off. It’s what keeps me going some days.