I’m having another episode, I just need a stronger dose.. / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

I’ve been trying to survive on about the smallest amount of medication I have been on since I was diagnosed. Not because I think there is anything wrong with higher doses of medication, believe me, I’ve needed it, possibly still do. More because I still don’t know what to be on anymore, so I was kind of hoping I could get by without having to make that decision.

Was I wrong. My moods are so erratic right now and I’m either really really depressed or really quite manic/hypo-manic/whatever you wanna call it. I’m still managing to keep my life together but it kinda feels like a balancing game that I could lose at any moment.

Strangely, I am not struggling with work at all. It’s possibly the time I feel the most together. Then again, maybe it’s not so surprising. I feel best when I’m productive and have something to do. Which is probably why I have managed to hold down work despite times when my bipolar is particularly bad.

It’s the weekends that I’m struggling with most. I’m too exhausted to do much and then I’m kind of at the mercy of my mood swings.

I am taking steps to change the medication situation though. I’ve decided to try Lamotrigine again. I just have to wait 6 weeks to actually get in to see the psychiatrist. Then go through the painfully slow process of getting to a dose that works.

One thing I didn’t really take into account was the Testosterone increasing my manic episodes. It definitely has though. Which is really starting to affect things. More of those and everything starts swinging more out of sync, which is why I am getting this brutal swings.

It was always a risk and I wouldn’t change my decision at all, I just should have maybe kept a better eye on it really.

This weekend has been quite bad for me but I’ve managed. In fact in this particular moment I feel optimistic. Sure things are bad now, but I’m still functioning. And I’ll continue to, while I work out away to make things better for me. Maybe the perfect medication isn’t out there for me, but that’s fine. I’ve survived this long, I’m not going to let that stop me now. Anything that helps even a little bit is worthwhile.