Just One Night / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger Warning: self harm, suicidal ideation/urges

So, I skipped my meds one night earlier this week, well, it ended up being 2 nights. I’ve been having some breathing problems after I take my seroquel at night, which is either my asthma getting worse or it’s a bunch of anxiety/panic attacks over how sedated I feel. I have a few ongoing issues with being sedated.

Honestly, what I expected was to be more manic than usual and probably more trouble sleeping the next night, with probably some more severe side effects if I kept it up for say a week. What I got was a lot more immediate and dramatic.

I woke up crying, and spent the rest of the day in quite a state of emotions and felt like I was barely holding it together. By the end of the day I was a total mess, still pretending to be a functioning human, but that cover was really running thin. One night of skipping meds and I was pretty much in a state similar to what I’m like before most hospital admissions.

It didn’t help that earlier that day someone had somewhat graphically/specifically described an event involving a razor blade which is a pretty major trigger for me. I have very specific and terrifying suicidal and self harm urges, wrapped up in deeply embedded delusions that I could do stuff and still survive it. That death won’t happen to me. But also that I really can’t live anymore. It’s a bit complicated sometimes.

I really should have taken my meds that next night, but I didn’t. I was already on the self destruction train, why not a few more stops. I had at least messaged my psych but still hadn’t heard back from him.

The next day was again much worse than I had anticipated. I’m not even entirely sure how I got through it if I’m honest. I was really ready to just, give up entirely. My psych did get back to me that night though, and suggested a lower dose. At this point it seemed really obvious that I should take them again. Surpising no one, I felt a lot more stable the next day.

I didn’t even skip all my meds, just my anti-psychotics, not even my mood stablisers. I guess it goes to show how much my medication helps me function. I really couldn’t do what I do now without it.