Locked Away / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Here it is, about a week since I first stepped into the emergency room, after just being stopped from an attempt on my life. Someone entered my room before I got a chance to try anything. They thought I was acting a bit off and not answering any messages. The scary thing is, I regret them finding me. I both felt ashamed of what I was going to do and wished I’d gotten the chance to.

But that’s why I’m in here.

I went in Tuesday night and they held me in a locked down area till Wednesday night when they finally moved me to a ward with a proper bed and space and things. That whole time I had no access to my phone or anything. So I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. Finally the Wednesday morning my friend who dropped me off called to see what was up. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to have contact with someone. After a long night of no sleep, scared, agitated it was just relieving knowing someone else now knew what the go was. Thursday I then got transferred to this private place, because I’m lucky enough to be fully insured.

It’s looking like 2 weeks here, to try and get my meds straight and break my cycle of self harm. Which is probably good, it sure was escalating.

This means however, that my business is going to take yet another hit. We had a potential client and just needed to wrap up the deal with a tailored preview of our skills. But with me in hospital, that’s another paid job we’re going to have to pass on. And I hate that. I already beat myself up for not doing enough, but losing business opportunities takes a hard toll on me. But everyone is super understanding, which is good. I just need to be more understanding of myself.

I still can’t believe I willingly walked in here, though I can’t really leave unaccompanied now. Which is for the best. I am not in the best head space right now. But that’s why I’m here I guess.

I’ve been switched over to valproate now and it’s been hiked up to 400mg morning and night. I think I am a bit more sedated during the day but my seroquel also went up to 200mg at night.

Looks like I’ll probably have seroquel during the day too if it gets too bad. Yesterday afternoon I had seroquel and valium to calm me down. I really wanted to hurt myself. The urges are just so physical, makes me want to tear at myself. But I’m getting better at being honest with the nurses so they can help me.

Oh and it looks like I have borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist promised to talk more about it when I’m more stable on the bipolar side. He’s not a big fan of the name and I guess neither am I.

Time for my night meds I guess.