Mad and sad / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide

I finished work like any other day, this time at 5pm which is on time but still early for me to go home but I was feeling a bit off so I did.

On the way home I started spiraling down realising I was starting to hit some depths of depression that I had managed to avoid for awhile since my last hospital stay. By the time I got home I was approaching a wreck.

But then I started getting angry, because I had plans for tonight. I wanted to work on some programming on one game and then start laying down the story framework for my game on bipolar. I had things I wanted to get done.

I want so badly to make a difference in the world of games and the world of mental health. So I was feeling inspired to really get to it, but then I keep hitting these roadblocks, things I can’t help. I’m in pain, it feels like actual pain. It’s stopping me from focusing on anything but my shortcomings. It’s just a mix of wanting to die but not wanting to leave this world without making an impact, without doing more. 

It’s an interesting combination of some of my more manic tendencies, I think I might be in a mixed episode, because I still believe I am here to make some sort of difference in the world. In a way that’s really, why else would I exist. It’s hard to explain, but it’s the head space I get in while manic.

It’s calmed down a bit now, and my plan is to get some terrible take out since I can’t bring myself to make anything and maybe push ahead with some work anyway.