Manic, Stupid, Something / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide

Some days I really wonder how I’m even alive still.

Tonight I went out for drinks, that in itself sometimes sends me into a scary suicidal state but surprisingly this time was okay. Well, the drinks were. I decided to take some stuff tonight, and I don’t know what I took. It isn’t going terribly, thank fuck, but it really could have. That’s the problem when I’m like this, I’m finding myself thinking less and less about doing something and just doing it instead. 

Luckily if anything the drugs just have me more buzzed and manic. Hopefully the Seroquel brings me down before I start doing anything more reckless. Which I’m 5 hours late on as well, taking the Seroquel that is.

I’m not sure how seriously I am actually taking my health. I can sit here and write and think about it, and realise all these things about myself and what I should be doing to help myself. But when it comes down to it moment to moment, it all depends on the state I’m in. When I’m depressed it’s a bit easier to understand what I should be doing but harder to get myself to do it. When I’m manic, I’ve got the energy but I don’t have the direction anymore.

Speaking of direction, I’ve lost the direction of this post.

I’ve recently discovered that the more I click the more manic I am.

I’m clicking a lot.