Out / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

I got out the day after my last post. I would have posted earlier but I’ve been a bit pre-occupied.

I fractured my ankle. 

Day after I got out I decided to go for a jog and my foot got stuck in a hole and I managed to fracture it. Luckily some people stopped and I got a lift home and then a friend took me to the hospital. That was not a fun day for me. I spent it mostly crying, being frustrated and hating myself a lot for having done this to myself. Also pain, in a lot of pain. I’m still in a lot of pain.

Of course I should be easier on myself about this. I am one hell of a clumsy person yes, but that’s not something worth beating myself up over. I think I’ve developed a phobia of running now, to add to my list of ordinary things I’ve broken myself doing. At least I can laugh about it most days.

Maybe not today. Today is a bad day. I’ve actually spent the week and a bit finally out of hospital kind of manic. So I’ve been reasonably chipper considering everything. Especially considering how grumpy I get when I’m in large amounts of constant pain. Sure, I like pain - but only in certain instances.

First thing I did when I got out was throw out all of my blades, I decided it was the best time to kick that habit. Good I did, cause today I don’t feel so strong. I mean it’s not like I couldn’t anyway, but it is easier to resist when they’re not just sitting in my drawer.

I think aside from the day I broke my ankle this is my first real bad day since getting out. I’m back to considering suicide, and self harm and all that stuff. But it’s still early days for my new medication and it’s not as bad as it gets. My lack of ability to go anywhere is probably not helping either. Or the pain. I can’t even take painkillers that would help because of the Lithium. So I’m on a bit of codeine and it really doesn’t do much. Except make me feel ill. Or maybe that is still the withdrawals. I was taken off the Valproate and Seroquel very quickly to allow for me to leave hospital.

Hopefully this isn’t a descent into depression, I would like to not need antidepressants since they do seem to do bad things to my mania. I can’t help but feel skeptical still, I mean I get some crazy depression. And I’ve been on Lithium before, I definitely recall needing the antidepressants.

I guess I’ll see.

I will admit, it was priceless seeing my psychiatrists face when he realised I had broken my ankle, and my psychologist. Small things.