Out of options / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Today is possibly one of the worst days I have experienced. Hell to be clear this has been the worst year so far. That is something for me to say, I’m always so sure every year is better than the last but life keeps kicking me lately. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot going for me but man, today has taken all the hope right out of me.

Today I was told by my psychiatrist that there are no more medications for me to try. I’ve tried them all, and more than once as well. Anti-depressants are completely out as they really mess with me and give me intense manic episodes. And it seems I’ve tried all the mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics. That’s what I’m told.

I’ve been holding onto the hope that one day I could live a more normal, stable life. One day I could experience life in a easier way. Today I had that hope utterly destroyed. I don’t know how to describe how I’m feeling right now.

I am mad, I am sad, I am, without hope of things getting better. I’m not going to experience what I’ve been working towards this whole time. It doesn’t seem fair, and I know, life isn’t fucking fair but COME ON!

Part of what was getting me through all the rough times was that one day it would be okay, I would be stronger for it. I am who I am because of it. But one day, it would all be okay. There is a medication out there for me. Well guess what, there isn’t.

The only thing that made me stable took away everything else about me. That wasn’t living. It’s not fucking worth it. Everything else I’ve been on either didn’t do much of anything or sedated me or took away parts of me that I can’t live without. Not to mention some of the side effects.

I know I can keep living like this, I know I’m tough but, right now, I don’t know if I want to. What am I fighting for now? My story isn’t one of hope anymore. I guess it’s survival. You know what, fuck it. Fuck life, fuck everything. I am going to live it anyway, I am going to accomplish whatever the hell I want despite this.

I am not going to be stable. I know I’m getting worse again right now. Life isn’t going to be easy, living isn’t easy, but fuck it all. Nothing can stop me.

I fell apart tonight when I found out, I didn’t know how to act, how to respond to this. I have never felt so lost in my life. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t hold any hope for a better future, today is the day I lost all of that. But I will not lay down and stop going now.

The reason Latuda isn’t working for me is a) it’s making me feel too similar to lithium, loss of myself and b) I have been way too manic this past week, I am losing it. So it’s clearly not working. That was the newest drug on the market.

I am meant to start Valproate again but I am terrified. I am worried it will be the same as Lithium. And, I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t do it.

I don’t know where I am going with this post anymore, I guess it’s just a collection of feelings.

Oh and did I mention, I’ve started to hallucinate. I’m starting to see things that aren’t there. I am hyper aware of psychosis being a thing that I could develop. Why not right now, just everything at once please. Fuck it. Bring it.