Trigger warning: Suicide
I did something very reckless last night. I skipped my dinner dose of Seroquel. That’s the nice large dose of sustained release that is meant to keep me reasonably sane throughout the night and next day.
At the time it was all fun and games, I was manic, I was EUPHORIC! Who the fuck wants to give that up when they finally have one get out jail free card sitting in their pocket just waiting to be used. I had overnight leave, I was free for a while 24 - 26hrs. It all started fine, playing some games with friends then going out to dinner. It was all good, I felt normal, hell I felt better than normal. I was on top of the world. It was going to be a good night.
Then I get home to my place, and housemates want to go out and celebrate and you know what I think, fuck it, who knows when I’ll get another chance like this again. So, I don’t take the already far too late meds. Then I crack open a cider and shave half my hair off.
Eventually we get out, now I usually don’t stray too far from the beat but I figure why not give my straight friends a chance for some fun. Turns out I wasn't the only queer lady in the place.
I’d definitely list this as one of my better nights. But this night was never the problem, as problematic skipping meds may be. I didn’t sleep till 5/6am then got up after maybe 2-3hrs sleep. Still not tired one bit.
Now, here is where it gets bad.
As soon as I got myself back into hospital I just had a full on break down. I was so manic and am so ready to take my life it isn’t funny. Lucky for me I have one of my more preferred nurses on so I managed to communicate some of what I was feeling. Problem being, that’s my flaw. I don’t know what I feel, but I was crying. I never cry in front of people. 50mg of Seroquel and 10mg of Valium later I am a bit more relaxed. I’m not crying, I’m still far too alert.
I don’t think I’ll be skipping anything ever again.