Swap Over / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

My psychiatrist decided that the Lithium wasn’t showing any/enough signs of working so now I get to try something different. Valproate. I don’t really know much about it but he said it is better for faster mood cycling so it may be a better fit for me. It also seems to mainly be prescribed for epilepsy and it’s an anticonvulsant, as well as mood stabliser I suppose.

Anyway, lucky me gets to spend a week on drastically lower Lithium and start the Valproate at the same time. This week may be interesting. I only started the swap over yesterday though, so it’s a bit early to tell.

Still, I’m already quite the mess and my psychiatrist told me to get to the hospital if it gets worse and I’m in serious danger. At least he doesn’t believe I need an extended stay, just if I need to be kept safe for awhile.

I had a good couple of days holding it together, but it feels the longer I go the harder everything gets. I always seem to cave eventually, it builds and builds to a point I just can’t take anymore. I stop thinking properly and get fixated on what I’m doing and before I know it, I’ve hurt myself again.

I’m not sure I even agree that it’s as unhealthy as it is. Growing up I figured that if that’s what it took to get me through the day, than that was good enough for me. But in my right mind, I know. I know I shouldn’t need to rely on this.

The other obvious problem with it, is the scarring. I have a mark on my chest, and one night I was drunk and had my shirt unbuttoned about as much as is usual for me but it showed off my scar. I was surprised by the amount of people who asked about it but I brushed most questions off. Aside from unwanted attention, (semi)/permanently scarring yourself doesn’t help to keep a good impression of yourself. 

Many people think I get around barbed wire fences while drunk, a lot.