Trigger warning: Suicide
I really shouldn’t be trying to induce mania just to avoid depression, but that was what I was doing before I came into hospital. Even while in here. Drinking coffee does have an affect on my mood, it does push it up - which is not good. Yet there I was doing assignments buzzing from 2 pepsis, a coffee and a huge energy drink. (Rockstar, Gauva, seriously that stuff is fantastic) Anyway I’m off point, and far far behind in my uni work. But that really shouldn’t be an excuse to do this.
Truth is, I’m scared. Terrified of who I might become when they balance me out. There is still a part of me that is resisting this whole medicated thing. I’m not sure I’m ready to give it all up. But I know, I know, that I won’t live very long this way. Part of me feels like I should experience it all before I give it all up. I guess maybe I’m afraid I won’t be the same confident person I am when I’m manic. The flip side is I’m all nerves. Maybe I will find a good balance. That is what they say. Part of me just doesn’t believe it. I’m not convinced I even know what that normal range is, so who is to say I’ll be anywhere near as cool.
I suppose I’ll be alive at least. I’ll always have my story too.
Psychiatrist hasn’t been in the past 2 days, he is sick so I am freaking out a bit about what is going on with my medication. Then my psychologist found me to put down a time to talk, that’ll be in exactly a week. Ah well, I have busy doctors.