mental illness

Ramblings in mania by Charlie Francis Cassidy

I don’t always notice that I’m manic, till one small detail catches my eye and then it all becomes so very obvious. 

Right now everything is moving so fast and I’m wondering how long it’s been like this without me noticing.

I can’t help but wonder how this impacts those around me. Especially when I don’t realise it’s happening. How do people see me when I’m like that? Is that just who I am to some people, actually no, I know I am. Some people, being the key phrase here, I know not all. I mean, I’d like to think those actually close to me see me as, I don’t even know. I don’t have a clear picture of who I am despite the moods. It’s hard to not just define myself by my bipolar sometimes.

I’m not even sure if I’m making any sense right now, this is all just a jumble of thoughts racing through my manic mind. I’ve taken some seroquel to calm it all down but it takes a bit to kick in. I’ll be fine, I caught myself before it got too extreme. It’s just something I need to keep a better eye on.

Where do we go from here by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Well, there’s no we in this, it’s where do I go, but I wanted to sneak in a Buffy reference.

I’m at a point where I need to make a decision about what I am going to do with my medication. There is nothing new to choose from, I have to pick something I’ve tried before and settle for that. That’s about where I’m at.

I can’t remember anything I was particularly happy on, which is the main problem. The other problem is the medication my psychiatrist thinks I need to try again. Valproate. I remember it being similar to Lithium, hell he even says it can be somewhat flattening. I don’t want that. I can’t do that again. I can’t lose months of my life again.

So I have the prescription for it but I have done nothing with it. I don’t know if I will. I’m scared. Sure, it’s easy to argue that I should just try it and I’ll know this time because I’ll be looking out for it but no, you don’t notice it, you don’t notice anything! That’s the problem.

If not that, then what will I do? I’m currently on a very low dose of Latuda that’s well, not doing a whole lot. The higher dose was starting to take away parts of me that I like and need. It was starting to become too much like Lithium. So I’m not particularly happy to still be on it but I really don’t know what to do about it.

I have never felt so direction-less with treatment. It’s making me feel like I’m lacking direction in my life. I mean I know where I am going with work, my game, my transition but what is any of that worth if I can’t function.

I mean, I am functioning but it was only meant to be temporary, I have pushed myself this far thinking eventually it would be okay, it wouldn’t be this hard forever. But I guess it will be. That’s fine, I mean it doesn’t feel fine and I am bouncing back and forth from accepting it and just being straight up mad about it. The fact is though, no matter what I’m not going to give up. I just have to adjust, I was fighting to eventually find something to keep me stable and now, now I’m fighting to function throughout the instability.

What is my conclusion here, well stuff kinda sucks but that’s fine. I’ll get by. This also isn’t a - ‘hark, lose hope ye who travel the medication seas’ kind of post either. It just happens that I’ve been trying medication for a long time and it hasn’t worked out terribly well for me. You could still find the right thing and if not, if you get to where I am well, it really does suck. I feel you. But it’s not the end.

Time to re-arrange by Charlie Francis Cassidy

I can tell I’m having a manic episode, I mean I can usually tell sure but this one has some very obvious signs.

I’m re-arranging my furniture again.

It’s been awhile since once of these episodes. Has not happened in Melbourne at all till now. Haven’t had too much to work with really. I want to put my desk into my room, I just work better on my own sometimes. I spend all day in an office, I need time to myself I think. Of course this means I’ll see my housemates less, since there won’t be a whole lot for me to be out of my room for I guess but it’ll be fine. Hopefully it doesn’t see me spiral, sometimes being on my own can be a bad thing. But I guess I can always grab my laptop and come out here.

So tonight I decided to re-arrange my room to fit said desk and now I am trying very hard to not finish the move tonight. It’s past 11, I have work in the morning and moving this desk is going to take awhile. I have to empty it, and go through  a bunch of stuff, move the desk then put everything back. I have Tuesday off work so I should just wait till then to do it, it’s not so far away really. Trouble is when I’m manic, I just want to do things, right away. But, waiting for some meds to hopefully kick in and bring me down a bit.

Normally I wouldn’t care about being up till 3am following the whim of a manic episode but I am trying to be more responsible.

Mad and sad by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide

I finished work like any other day, this time at 5pm which is on time but still early for me to go home but I was feeling a bit off so I did.

On the way home I started spiraling down realising I was starting to hit some depths of depression that I had managed to avoid for awhile since my last hospital stay. By the time I got home I was approaching a wreck.

But then I started getting angry, because I had plans for tonight. I wanted to work on some programming on one game and then start laying down the story framework for my game on bipolar. I had things I wanted to get done.

I want so badly to make a difference in the world of games and the world of mental health. So I was feeling inspired to really get to it, but then I keep hitting these roadblocks, things I can’t help. I’m in pain, it feels like actual pain. It’s stopping me from focusing on anything but my shortcomings. It’s just a mix of wanting to die but not wanting to leave this world without making an impact, without doing more. 

It’s an interesting combination of some of my more manic tendencies, I think I might be in a mixed episode, because I still believe I am here to make some sort of difference in the world. In a way that’s really, why else would I exist. It’s hard to explain, but it’s the head space I get in while manic.

It’s calmed down a bit now, and my plan is to get some terrible take out since I can’t bring myself to make anything and maybe push ahead with some work anyway.

Long time no see by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Well, it’s been awhile.

I’m still in Melbourne and I did in fact find both a place to live and a job, not too long after my last post actually. A lot has been going on.

It’s been what, maybe close to 7 months since I posted? I’ll probably jump back and forth a bit here so bear with me.

One of the more obvious things that comes to me is that I managed to stay out of hospital for about 5 months! That’s the longest I’ve managed in a long time. I did end up getting hospitalised twice in the last 2 months however, which, I think they each deserve their own post on the experience and lead up.

I lost about a month to the side effects of Lithium rendering me basically zombie like. I don’t remember a lot of that month but someone close did describe it as me not really being there. So, I was really out of it. Which I hate, it’s one of the big things I worry about when going on all these different medications, this exact thing was a fear. It happened, and it took me a month to notice it. But more on that another time, it goes with one of my hospital stays, technically both of them.

It took me awhile to actually find a psychiatrist. Hell, it took me awhile to find a decent GP. Eventually I got a referral to this one guy who, after a whole session of going through my entire history says to me, and I quote “I can’t help you”.

A huge waste of time, money and not a great hit to how I was feeling at the time. This was around the time that I changed my GP as well and managed to find a really amazing one.

The next psychiatrist I am still seeing. He is, well, I have mixed feelings. He is kinda quirky in a way I like but sessions are under 15 minutes which isn’t a lot of time for me to gather my thoughts and recall everything I need to bring up. I very frequently forget all sorts of things or just don’t have enough time to respond to what a new treatment is. Plus he doesn’t seem to be keeping track of what I’m on, he completely forgot he put me on something recently and always asks me what I’m taking. But maybe he just likes to promote self awareness in medications, I mean, if anyone is going to know it should be me. I also probably should start writing important things down. He is considering putting me on Valproate again, but I can’t remember why I went off it in the first place. Really need to keep track of these things.

I started seeing a psychologist at some point too. She is lovely. I haven’t made an appointment for this year yet though. I’m not sure why exactly. I’ve had a lot going on I guess.

Now for a quick recap on medications I have tried since moving here - 

First it was - Saphris (asenapine) and Lamotrigine.
Then Seroquel XR was added.
Then that was removed again.
Next - Saphris is replaced with Olanzapine.
Now Pristiq was added.
Before it was taken away again because hello mania.
Then Lithium was added into the mix.
For a bit I was taking nothing (more on this in a later post).
Then I was back on Lithium and Seroquel.
Then Seroquel was replaced with Abilify.
Then Lithium disappeared.
So did Abilify.
Finally, I am now on Latuda.

Yep, just one thing. It’s an atypical anti-psychotic.

So much change by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning - self harm and suicide

I haven’t updated for over a month, but gee a lot has gone down. I still remain out of hospital, I managed to get through 3 exams (results pending) I start uni again in a week, oh and I moved to Melbourne.

I’d been a Brisbane girl my whole life and then about a month ago I decided to move and here I am, I’ve been here about 2 weeks and what a roller coaster it has been.

This is the longest I have gone without seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist, my medication isn’t really working, I’m rapid cycling and even skipping doses again. 

The other night I really lost it too. I was manic and I actually lost touch with reality, I was really struggling to stay in this world and not just lose myself in my head. I did at one point just stop being able to tell the difference in what was real and what wasn’t. Luckily I was with some good people, otherwise I honestly don’t know what would have happened. Nothing good.

I’ve really been struggling with the self harm and suicide thoughts. Today I was rationalising death as a perfectly acceptable solution to my not having a job or house. It’s been like that for awhile, I start thinking hurting myself is just the logical step. I’ll do that then that will help me manage this next thing, or I guess if I just go all out I don’t have to worry about managing anything.

I know this is my personality disorder coming through, it gets magnified when I’m on either extreme of the spectrum with my mood disorder, which is basically everyday currently. Today was depression, though that seems to have turned into more of a mixed episode now, but it was an extreme low before.

Tomorrow I finally go see a doctor to start sorting out seeing someone. I don’t have a lot of money at the moment but I’ll work it out. I need to start working on this stuff before I do something I'll regret. I can’t afford a hospital admission right now. Too much in the balance. Need to find a house and need to be able to work to afford a house and, well everything. The last thing I want is to start a new job and have to disappear into hospital for awhile. I’m just going to have to struggle through this, I always seem to manage. Despite all these things, things always seem to work out in some way for me.

Why Do You Hate Yourself? by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger Warning - Self Harm, Suicide


I was in the Emergency Room awhile ago, because I was caught before I could follow through on a plan I had. I wasn’t depressed though, I was very very manic.

So I got taken in and eventually at 3am a doctor wakes me up from the couch to speak to me about why I was there. The reoccurring question was - “why do you hate yourself”. Now, that’s all that’s going round my head.

I didn’t hate myself, that wasn't why I was there. That wasn’t why I wanted to die. I was manic, I thought I was possibly the best person alive even, I loved who I was. I just had to die. It was that simple. When I’m manic my head doesn’t exactly make trustworthy decisions.

I’m just still shocked at how much he didn't understand what I was trying to say. I guess maybe it is a bit confusing. Maybe it wasn’t because I was manic, maybe it was this personality disorder. Which I should really get sorted.

Anyway, for some reason tonight that’s all I can think of. I don’t hate myself. But why do I hate myself?

But I should be okay by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Here I am in a dark pit of depression for no apparent reason again. Not that there is ever really much of a trigger for it, it’s just today I actually did some stuff that usually helps me feel more in control of my life.

I got 3 new piercings and my haircut. It’s usually a sure fire way to pick me up, but no. Nope. I feel worse than I did this morning.

I should mention that I’ve now stopped my Lithium again. The side effects just weren’t doing it for me. So that probably isn’t helping. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow so I guess we’ll see what we can do from there. I dunno what to  say if he suggests going back on some Lithium, I was still bad while taking it just maybe not this bad. I just really don’t want to be on it anymore. But being on one medication to manage my mania, anxiety and severe depression doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work. 

I don’t know, I guess I’m just scared. After being incredibly manic for so long suddenly being thrown back to possibly being depressed for months again is just terrifying. That and if I do need an anti-depressant again that’ll probably trigger bad manic times. I just can’t win.

Amazingly I still haven’t done anything to hurt myself. And when I say amazingly, I mean it. It’s a hard thing to beat. So are all the other urges. If it got bad enough I would definitely get myself back into hospital, but I really want to avoid that. I need to keep working so I can afford to pay off things. But I’m not silly enough to risk my life, I’d let my psych know it was that bad. Then he’d suggest it, and I’d agree. It’s a system that’s been working.

I guess I’ll just see what the next step is tomorrow.

Scars by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm, eating disorder

My skin is a bit weird, some days you can barely see my scars and other days they are impossible to miss. Though some are always visible. I can’t remember when it was exactly that I stopped caring if anyone noticed them. Well that’s not entirely true, I do sometimes still wear longer sleeves in certain situations but I’ve eased back a lot.

Part of me wants to cover the most obvious ones on my upper arm but another part of me wants to keep them there. They remind me of a really tough time that I totally got through. Not that it’s quite the end yet, I’ve still got a way to go. The end of the night seems to be the hardest part.

I had a good day today, which makes it weird that I’m contemplating silly things again. It’s probably something related to being at the end of my medication or something since night is when I take it all now.

I haven’t hurt myself since before my last hospital stay, which is amazing. It’s a hard hard habit for me to break. One could say addiction even. But I’m doing well, well enough to even admit that I’m doing well. Which I don’t often do. I worry that the more I think about it the more I’ll think about doing it instead then I’ll do it. So maybe I’ll stop talking about it.

I think I’m just feeling weird again, which is very common for me. I’ve also gone and started thinking about my weight again. I’m just a bit too pleased about how little I’ve been able to eat lately due to some unrelated appetite issues. It’s lucky I can’t stand on a scale right now. I really don’t need to know what that number will be, I’m far too frustrated about not being able to go to the gym.

Anyway, I’ll be okay tonight. It’s time to try and sleep, I may actually get some if I’m lucky.

Bad times by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm, suicide

I haven’t posted in awhile mostly because I’ve been too sick. I think it was the amount of Lithium I was on or the painkillers for my ankle, but all I could really manage was to lay in bed and somehow get to my appointments.

But now here I am posting, in one of the worst nights I’ve had since hospital. It’s kind of just got too much. The fractured ankle, my return of anxiety and this splitting headache that keeps appearing. It’s all very frustrating and it just feels like things keep getting in the way of me living my life, or something.

So here I am hiding in my room trying to convince myself that I don’t need to go to the hospital. Which sounds bad, maybe it is but sitting in a scary room in the hospital until probably tomorrow afternoon doesn’t sound ideal. Plus I have work tomorrow and chances are I’ll sleep this off. Or not and I’m actually entering a proper depressive episode but I guess that’s something I’ll have to deal with tomorrow.

Okay it sounds bad, but I can’t actually get into my hospital over the weekend and I’d need to get in contact with my psychiatrist. If I was really really bad I’d tell someone and get myself to the ER but now that I’m at the end of this post I’m not so bad.

Still struggling with a lot of urges that just happen to be stronger tonight but I think I can keep myself safe. Well I have so far anyway. 

I think I might go off Lithium when I see my psychiatrist next. Nausea has gone down mostly since reducing it but still I feel awful. The Saphris is even giving me unwanted side effects. When I take it I get more restless and this tingling sensation down my spine, which is very distracting from the whole sleep thing. Hell it’s distracting in general, I get too antsy to do anything. All things to talk about in my next appointment.

I have some homework from my psychologist too. She wants me to try breathing. Well, mindful breathing for 1min. Twice before I see her. For some reason it terrifies me, to slow down like that. To actually pay attention to myself. I generally try very hard to not notice whatever terrible feeling is going on, who knows what would happen if I let go for a minute. Of course I am trying to change that yes, cause it’s hard to experience things when you’re avoiding your own moods/feelings. That’s why I’m seeing her, to work on this stuff. So questions like “how are you?” aren’t just answered with a guess that may or may not be correct.

All things to think about. But I think I’ll be alright tonight now. Probably sleep soon, see what tomorrow brings.

Out by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

I got out the day after my last post. I would have posted earlier but I’ve been a bit pre-occupied.

I fractured my ankle. 

Day after I got out I decided to go for a jog and my foot got stuck in a hole and I managed to fracture it. Luckily some people stopped and I got a lift home and then a friend took me to the hospital. That was not a fun day for me. I spent it mostly crying, being frustrated and hating myself a lot for having done this to myself. Also pain, in a lot of pain. I’m still in a lot of pain.

Of course I should be easier on myself about this. I am one hell of a clumsy person yes, but that’s not something worth beating myself up over. I think I’ve developed a phobia of running now, to add to my list of ordinary things I’ve broken myself doing. At least I can laugh about it most days.

Maybe not today. Today is a bad day. I’ve actually spent the week and a bit finally out of hospital kind of manic. So I’ve been reasonably chipper considering everything. Especially considering how grumpy I get when I’m in large amounts of constant pain. Sure, I like pain - but only in certain instances.

First thing I did when I got out was throw out all of my blades, I decided it was the best time to kick that habit. Good I did, cause today I don’t feel so strong. I mean it’s not like I couldn’t anyway, but it is easier to resist when they’re not just sitting in my drawer.

I think aside from the day I broke my ankle this is my first real bad day since getting out. I’m back to considering suicide, and self harm and all that stuff. But it’s still early days for my new medication and it’s not as bad as it gets. My lack of ability to go anywhere is probably not helping either. Or the pain. I can’t even take painkillers that would help because of the Lithium. So I’m on a bit of codeine and it really doesn’t do much. Except make me feel ill. Or maybe that is still the withdrawals. I was taken off the Valproate and Seroquel very quickly to allow for me to leave hospital.

Hopefully this isn’t a descent into depression, I would like to not need antidepressants since they do seem to do bad things to my mania. I can’t help but feel skeptical still, I mean I get some crazy depression. And I’ve been on Lithium before, I definitely recall needing the antidepressants.

I guess I’ll see.

I will admit, it was priceless seeing my psychiatrists face when he realised I had broken my ankle, and my psychologist. Small things.

Dizzy, no sleep by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

I am ridiculously dizzy today. I can only assume it’s another side effect of coming off everything and hope it’s not a side effect of going onto anything. I don’t think Lithium ever caused this but I can never be sure. I suppose I could probably read back in my own blog and see if I mentioned it.

Anyway today I get out for the day and night! Pretty excited. I have some good friends. One of which was going to bust me out for a picnic, but alas rain! So Mario Party and movies it is! Which is fine with me too. So far sitting in one spot isn’t going too badly for me, so I should be fine today despite side effects.

I am determined to have a good day out of here, I’m wearing my adventure time shirt and everything!

Withdrawals by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

So, withdrawal side effects aren’t fun. Or whatever it is going on here. So while it’s only the first day I’ve stopped the Pristiq it’s been long enough since the reduced dose that it would be doing stuff to me. Plus you know, all that other stuff coming out of my system.

I am hot/cold, shaking - sometimes my head just won’t stop shaking - and pretty much just on the verge of a panic attack or tears or both. Just all of it today. 

I’m going to try going down to the gym. Doing weights usually makes me feel better. I’d box, but they got rid of the bag awhile ago. Have to wait till I get home to use mine. Which, tomorrow I’ve been granted leave so I can spend the day and night at home. Hang out with my adorable cat. Do my assignment. You know, the important things. Oh, I think I might have pizza even. If I can afford pizza. I mean, what else am I gonna eat? I have no food at home.

The Plan by Charlie Francis Cassidy

After talking to my psychiatrist this morning I have more of an idea of what the plan is exactly. Today is my first day without any antidepressants in years (aside from the occasional forgetful day) and apparently the plan is to see if I can get by without any!

Of course I’ll be on other medications to hopefully stabalise my mood but the idea is that maybe they’ll both work as a replacement to antidepressants too. The risk with my Bipolar and antidepressants is that they often lead to rapid cycling. And I can attest that any that have made a dent on my depression has also been very bad for my overall stability.

I’m currently on Lithium and Saphros. Apparently Lithium also works well for depression and Saphros for anxiety so he is hoping combined they cover me for my mania, depression and anxiety. He is always trying to make sure I am on the least possible medication that works, which is good. I hate medication.

I’ll admit I’m skeptical. I get deep depression, but while in hospital seems like the best place to test it out. He hopes between another 1 - 2 weeks and I’ll be out of here. Sounds good to me, I don’t like being here too long. Only because I hate hospitals, the staff are all lovely and the place is quite nice.

I’m going to have to find a different hospital and psychiatrist, psychologist when I move to Melbourne. That is probably the hardest part about leaving Brisbane. I don’t open up easily. Funny to say that on a blog that I’ve just made a whole lot more public.

Coming off Everything by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Well today was my last day of Pristiq. So I can look forward to all of those lovely withdrawals. My Seroquel and Valproate have also been dramatically lowered. To give you a bit of an idea here is what my regular doses were:
Pristiq - 150mg
Seroquel XR - 400mg
Valproate - 1500mg

and I still needed
Valium - morning and night - 5mg

Pristiq - 50mg this morning but now nothing
Seroquel XR - 100mg
Valproate - 500mg

And the extras are…
Lithium and Saphros! 

I can’t remember their doses though. Sounds bad, but seriously focusing on anything right now is a mission. How I’m even finishing uni work is amazing. I’ve also been on Lithium before, I can’t remember if it helped that much. Well, at the time it was worth coming off it to try other things. Oh and did I mention coming of Valproate *could* induce a seizure? Great isn’t it. Oh and Lithium, each time you stop it there are some studies that say it increases Manic symptoms. So yeah. I think the idea is that I’ll be on Lithium and Valproate but he just wants to be sure the Valproate is helping.

So here I am with my world falling away piece by piece, coming off everything. 

I am quite easily distracted and side tracked. I’ve done nothing productive today really, I meant to get a head start on an assignment but it looks pretty easy. I’ll do it tomorrow. I also have to record a video for it but I’ll do that when I get some leave and am at home. Better recording equipment than this mac, but I could do it here in a pinch.

On a side note, I’m actually doing a talk at a games conference relating to self care. My experience with mental health and going through a degree and still making games and stuff with it all gives me some perspective that I suppose I can share. That’s the idea anyway. It makes me consider making this blog public more and more. I know more people would then have access to it hopefully, and maybe that would help some people. 

Of course that also leaves me quite open, I mean I haven’t made huge steps in concealing this since I always wanted to link it to me but I still have some hesitation.

But really, what is the worst that can happen? I want to honest and open about my past because I shouldn’t feel like I have to hide these things. I have a disease that is treatable, and I am getting it treated.

I think I might have just talked myself into it.

Inducing Mania by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide

I really shouldn’t be trying to induce mania just to avoid depression, but that was what I was doing before I came into hospital. Even while in here. Drinking coffee does have an affect on my mood, it does push it up - which is not good. Yet there I was doing assignments buzzing from 2 pepsis, a coffee and a huge energy drink. (Rockstar, Gauva, seriously that stuff is fantastic) Anyway I’m off point, and far far behind in my uni work. But that really shouldn’t be an excuse to do this.

Truth is, I’m scared. Terrified of who I might become when they balance me out. There is still a part of me that is resisting this whole medicated thing. I’m not sure I’m ready to give it all up. But I know, I know, that I won’t live very long this way. Part of me feels like I should experience it all before I give it all up. I guess maybe I’m afraid I won’t be the same confident person I am when I’m manic. The flip side is I’m all nerves. Maybe I will find a good balance. That is what they say. Part of me just doesn’t believe it. I’m not convinced I even know what that normal range is, so who is to say I’ll be anywhere near as cool.

I suppose I’ll be alive at least. I’ll always have my story too.

Psychiatrist hasn’t been in the past 2 days, he is sick so I am freaking out a bit about what is going on with my medication. Then my psychologist found me to put down a time to talk, that’ll be in exactly a week. Ah well, I have busy doctors.

In again, for round...?? by Charlie Francis Cassidy

I’m back in hospital, was a bit of a wait this time. Just a busy time of year, for some reason. So far I am manic, I haven’t slept but I am sure they’ll drug me up tonight. 

Plan is to take me off everything, see how I am and then try a bunch of new things. I’m also gonna try and finish assignments in here too. Gonna be a hell of a time.

All the Signs by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide

By now I am very capable of recognising the signs of mania, especially in myself. So here I am sitting at my desk figuring out a programming problem/assignment and it feels just like all those nights in my last degree. My nights of genius, where I would declare myself the god of code, or 3d, or basically whatever it was that I was succeeding at.

I now realise, as I realise how manic I am now, that it was mania all those times. Those times I stayed up 3 days straight to make a game for class. That whole culture of not sleeping, drinking and working at weird hours to get stuff done I could have done weeks ago.

It poses a question and a problem to me now. I have been skipping my Seroquel the past, 3 - 4 nights. Maybe it’s actually been a week. I figure, I am coming off them anyway when I go into hospital and I really need to get this work done before then. So I have had more and more of this mania.

Sometimes it’s manageable, like now, and I’m fine. Productive even. But other times I come close to just taking all the pills in my drawer. The problem is, I have missed this. My “current” meds don’t allow me to be this functional at this time. I’d be passing out around now, and around 8pm onwards I’d probably be too sedated to do anything useful at all.

Will I lose everything if I “cure” myself of this manic behaviour. I want to feel like this, I don’t want to be numb and sedated half the time. I don’t think I can live like that. I just don’t know. Will I lose my brilliant mind if I cloud it with all these drugs?

I know I know, it’s such a cliche. I’m bipolar and manic. OF COURSE I want to go off my meds. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean I’m right. I don’t know what it means. Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain for these moments. Is it worth the chance I may not live long enough to fulfill my potential. Or would I never fulfill it anyway because I can’t think or work properly half the time.

Appointment with the psychiatrist by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide and Self Harm

It didn’t go as well as I guess I had hoped. I still can’t cry in front of him so afterwards I again hid in the bathroom and cried.

I did tell him though that I both wanted to punch a brick wall and cry, and that if I went back to my job today I would probably cry more than work. Not that I’m going back to work that soon, I’ve put myself down for the next roster though.

We are still waiting to see if maybe this med combo works. He doesn’t want to be too aggressive with the medication since it’s hard to tell whether it’s the mood cycling or my personality disorder taking the lead here. 

But if things get drastic, we can totally change up my meds, in hospital of course. If I’m still like this in a week when I see him again, I think that is what I’m going to have to opt for. I can’t keep living like this.

Wanting to live right now is questionable.

Hopefully the structure of my new degree and going back to work (when I do) help me out too. Apparently structure is great. I’ll do up a weekly schedule tomorrow, then later on I’ll add gym and making healthy food stuffs as well or something.

For now, I continue to wait and take more Valium and Seroquel. (doctors orders, no really)