Swap Over by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

My psychiatrist decided that the Lithium wasn’t showing any/enough signs of working so now I get to try something different. Valproate. I don’t really know much about it but he said it is better for faster mood cycling so it may be a better fit for me. It also seems to mainly be prescribed for epilepsy and it’s an anticonvulsant, as well as mood stabliser I suppose.

Anyway, lucky me gets to spend a week on drastically lower Lithium and start the Valproate at the same time. This week may be interesting. I only started the swap over yesterday though, so it’s a bit early to tell.

Still, I’m already quite the mess and my psychiatrist told me to get to the hospital if it gets worse and I’m in serious danger. At least he doesn’t believe I need an extended stay, just if I need to be kept safe for awhile.

I had a good couple of days holding it together, but it feels the longer I go the harder everything gets. I always seem to cave eventually, it builds and builds to a point I just can’t take anymore. I stop thinking properly and get fixated on what I’m doing and before I know it, I’ve hurt myself again.

I’m not sure I even agree that it’s as unhealthy as it is. Growing up I figured that if that’s what it took to get me through the day, than that was good enough for me. But in my right mind, I know. I know I shouldn’t need to rely on this.

The other obvious problem with it, is the scarring. I have a mark on my chest, and one night I was drunk and had my shirt unbuttoned about as much as is usual for me but it showed off my scar. I was surprised by the amount of people who asked about it but I brushed most questions off. Aside from unwanted attention, (semi)/permanently scarring yourself doesn’t help to keep a good impression of yourself. 

Many people think I get around barbed wire fences while drunk, a lot.

Breathing or something by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Today was an alright day, until it became the worst day. Well, not the worst day really, I just suddenly felt the worst. About as bad as I was before I was last admitted to hospital.

At some point I stopped thinking about consequences of what I wanted to do. Nothing major luckily, but I can’t be sure that will always be the case.

A friend noticed, and helped me to make my room safe again. Something I’ve never had the power to do myself. I always seem to gather a scary collection of sharp objects. I might even be drawn to them.

I can’t decide if I should have checked myself into a hospital, my birthday is coming up and I’d just hate to be in there for it. That would just really be too much for me. Of course if it gets this bad on my birthday night, that’s gonna be no picnic either. 

Today has created a bit of an issue with attending work tomorrow. There is only so long you can wear giant band-aids before it becomes suspicious. In the case of some of my friends, they pick up on it immediately.

I guess it’s a problem for tomorrow. I’ve had my Seroquel for the night so hopefully that kicks in soon. It’s very frustrating not being able to hurt myself when I feel like this. I can’t take the edge off. This is where my psychologist (if I had one) would tell me to breathe or something.

I hear breathing is good. Hard though.