Under Pressure / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

I’m not okay, like, I’m really not okay. But I need to be.

I have top surgery scheduled for less than 2 months from now, which is amazing. But I still don’t have that letter of approval. I need to be seen as in a good mental state for it to go forward, there needs to be no doubt that this what I want and not some delusion my mind came up with. I know it is, but I have to constantly prove that to psych after psych after doctor after fucking everyone.

Honestly, I’m a bit over all the hoops I’ve had to jump through to prove what I want is real.

Since being diagnosed with psychosis very recently I am super worried it’s going to become another hurdle I have to get past. Prove that I am genuinely trans. Meanwhile here I am slowly drowning under all this pressure and trying to learn how to deal with my psychosis symptoms.

Interestingly, the more I think about my life growing up, the more I realise that I’ve had psychosis for a very long long time. Like, 15/16 upwards? I’ve had severe paranoia and a lot of stuff that is now very obviously not real. But also is? 

I’ve just gotta keep going.