Weird Times / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

I am having a bit of trouble putting together a few things. I know, they don’t necessarily relate to each other in the way that would make sense, but it’s still kind of, something I’m trying to get my head around.

In one sense, right now, my life is the best it has ever been. I have a full time job, that I love, doing what I love in an industry I love, and it pays me enough to live, comfortably. Despite my looming credit card debts. I live in my own apartment, with all the essential furniture, and some not essential stuff like bar stools. I can afford to own bar stools. Also I have three monitors. Which has only been my dream for like 2 years. I have some amazing people in my life, even though I do miss a lot of close friends from Brisbane I have found really good people here too. 

I’m happier with my gender and presentation than I have been in a long time, still some steps to take but I like where everything is heading.

So I should be having a really great time right now, right? I mean, that’s what I keep thinking should be the case, but that’s not how mental health works at all. I mean sure, that stuff certainly helps, but it’s not the defining factor I guess.

While my life on paper seems to be, amazing, here I am struggling each day to just, get by. You could even say I’m doing great with that, I haven’t been in hospital since January! That’s the longest time in the past couple of years! Great! That doesn’t mean anything! I don’t have the luxury of hospital unless I really really can’t function anymore. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if I’m in hospital every week, or not at all for a year. That isn’t a milestone for getting better, or being better, or being in a good place, or healthy nor the opposite of those things. It’s a tool to help get better, yes, in the right circumstances, for people it works for. Right now, it doesn’t work for me. Take me away from my job for a week? I don’t want that, I don’t feel like I could afford that. I mean, I could if I really had to, but it’s all about weighing up what will impact your life in the least for what you’ll gain from it. That’s where I’m at right now.

I am an expert now at knowing when I should consider hospital and when I 100% need to be in there. Right now I think I’m just in a struggle that I have to ride out, and hope it ends. And try and ignore the fact that it hasn’t ended, since, I started developing the symptoms of bipolar. Just ups and downs, which, seems fitting. Look, I can make jokes!

I’ve talked about running out of medications to try, and that’s still true. Though, my psych recently came across something, but turned out I couldn’t take it because I’m on Testosterone. Ha. Still worth it. Anyway, I am back on Seroquel for the, fourth time? I haven’t even got third time lucky on my side. It is, the least worst thing I have been on. So uh, with that glowing review I am going forward with that and hoping that my moods become more manageable. Who knows!

Was there somewhere I was going with this? Right, I keep doing the whole, I have all these great things but why do I feel awful dance. I have kind of, accepted that I’ll probably forever be dealing with my mood shifts and swings. There isn’t a medication right now that’s going to stop that, just maybe make it a little more manageable. From what I’ve tried, it doesn’t reduce it much but, maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not okay, but that’s okay too. I can live with that.

tl;dr - some things are great, my mental health is kinda terrible, it’s probably always gonna be terrible, but I can live with that