Where do we go from here / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Well, there’s no we in this, it’s where do I go, but I wanted to sneak in a Buffy reference.

I’m at a point where I need to make a decision about what I am going to do with my medication. There is nothing new to choose from, I have to pick something I’ve tried before and settle for that. That’s about where I’m at.

I can’t remember anything I was particularly happy on, which is the main problem. The other problem is the medication my psychiatrist thinks I need to try again. Valproate. I remember it being similar to Lithium, hell he even says it can be somewhat flattening. I don’t want that. I can’t do that again. I can’t lose months of my life again.

So I have the prescription for it but I have done nothing with it. I don’t know if I will. I’m scared. Sure, it’s easy to argue that I should just try it and I’ll know this time because I’ll be looking out for it but no, you don’t notice it, you don’t notice anything! That’s the problem.

If not that, then what will I do? I’m currently on a very low dose of Latuda that’s well, not doing a whole lot. The higher dose was starting to take away parts of me that I like and need. It was starting to become too much like Lithium. So I’m not particularly happy to still be on it but I really don’t know what to do about it.

I have never felt so direction-less with treatment. It’s making me feel like I’m lacking direction in my life. I mean I know where I am going with work, my game, my transition but what is any of that worth if I can’t function.

I mean, I am functioning but it was only meant to be temporary, I have pushed myself this far thinking eventually it would be okay, it wouldn’t be this hard forever. But I guess it will be. That’s fine, I mean it doesn’t feel fine and I am bouncing back and forth from accepting it and just being straight up mad about it. The fact is though, no matter what I’m not going to give up. I just have to adjust, I was fighting to eventually find something to keep me stable and now, now I’m fighting to function throughout the instability.

What is my conclusion here, well stuff kinda sucks but that’s fine. I’ll get by. This also isn’t a - ‘hark, lose hope ye who travel the medication seas’ kind of post either. It just happens that I’ve been trying medication for a long time and it hasn’t worked out terribly well for me. You could still find the right thing and if not, if you get to where I am well, it really does suck. I feel you. But it’s not the end.