You win some, you lose some / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Self harm and suicidal urges are nothing new to me. Strong physical urges that are just so hard to shake. I think I’d been too busy for them to come back in force, until now that is.

But ever since I found my gardening shears the other week, I just can’t stop thinking about them. I get fixated, when I know I have easy access to something I want to use.

It got so bad last night, I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fall asleep and I couldn’t stop the pain in my chest, my body and the image in my head. I had to stop it.

My psychiatrist gave me steps, to work through this. Challenge the thoughts. It’s so hard to turn a feeling into a conscious thought I can challenge. I kept telling myself to just stay in bed, then I couldn’t hurt myself. I managed to get myself past wanting to kill myself, I could challenge that, there were many reasons why I shouldn’t do that. I didn’t get very far challenging the rest and there was nothing that could distract me at this point.

I suppose I’ve fallen into a depressed state. My anti-depressants are going up again. Hopefully they’ll lower these urges, these states I get in. I was in one again today too, but luckily I kept myself distracted enough.

I gave the shears to someone, so I can hopefully stop dreaming about them. I don’t have anything I can use now. Which is how it needs to be. I need to get back on track.

I still haven’t gone back to working with my company yet, since getting out. I keep trying to have a dinner with my friends to celebrate getting out but I keep postponing that too. I’m more stable than when I went in, but I’m still slowly getting worse again. Everything is still, so hard. I’m really worried about my business now. I don’t think I could do it, if I wasn’t still working towards my dream. Some days that’s all that keeps me going.

I’m way too stubborn and hard on myself to let it go.