All the Signs / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning: Suicide

By now I am very capable of recognising the signs of mania, especially in myself. So here I am sitting at my desk figuring out a programming problem/assignment and it feels just like all those nights in my last degree. My nights of genius, where I would declare myself the god of code, or 3d, or basically whatever it was that I was succeeding at.

I now realise, as I realise how manic I am now, that it was mania all those times. Those times I stayed up 3 days straight to make a game for class. That whole culture of not sleeping, drinking and working at weird hours to get stuff done I could have done weeks ago.

It poses a question and a problem to me now. I have been skipping my Seroquel the past, 3 - 4 nights. Maybe it’s actually been a week. I figure, I am coming off them anyway when I go into hospital and I really need to get this work done before then. So I have had more and more of this mania.

Sometimes it’s manageable, like now, and I’m fine. Productive even. But other times I come close to just taking all the pills in my drawer. The problem is, I have missed this. My “current” meds don’t allow me to be this functional at this time. I’d be passing out around now, and around 8pm onwards I’d probably be too sedated to do anything useful at all.

Will I lose everything if I “cure” myself of this manic behaviour. I want to feel like this, I don’t want to be numb and sedated half the time. I don’t think I can live like that. I just don’t know. Will I lose my brilliant mind if I cloud it with all these drugs?

I know I know, it’s such a cliche. I’m bipolar and manic. OF COURSE I want to go off my meds. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean I’m right. I don’t know what it means. Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain for these moments. Is it worth the chance I may not live long enough to fulfill my potential. Or would I never fulfill it anyway because I can’t think or work properly half the time.