So much change / by Charlie Francis Cassidy

Trigger warning - self harm and suicide

I haven’t updated for over a month, but gee a lot has gone down. I still remain out of hospital, I managed to get through 3 exams (results pending) I start uni again in a week, oh and I moved to Melbourne.

I’d been a Brisbane girl my whole life and then about a month ago I decided to move and here I am, I’ve been here about 2 weeks and what a roller coaster it has been.

This is the longest I have gone without seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist, my medication isn’t really working, I’m rapid cycling and even skipping doses again. 

The other night I really lost it too. I was manic and I actually lost touch with reality, I was really struggling to stay in this world and not just lose myself in my head. I did at one point just stop being able to tell the difference in what was real and what wasn’t. Luckily I was with some good people, otherwise I honestly don’t know what would have happened. Nothing good.

I’ve really been struggling with the self harm and suicide thoughts. Today I was rationalising death as a perfectly acceptable solution to my not having a job or house. It’s been like that for awhile, I start thinking hurting myself is just the logical step. I’ll do that then that will help me manage this next thing, or I guess if I just go all out I don’t have to worry about managing anything.

I know this is my personality disorder coming through, it gets magnified when I’m on either extreme of the spectrum with my mood disorder, which is basically everyday currently. Today was depression, though that seems to have turned into more of a mixed episode now, but it was an extreme low before.

Tomorrow I finally go see a doctor to start sorting out seeing someone. I don’t have a lot of money at the moment but I’ll work it out. I need to start working on this stuff before I do something I'll regret. I can’t afford a hospital admission right now. Too much in the balance. Need to find a house and need to be able to work to afford a house and, well everything. The last thing I want is to start a new job and have to disappear into hospital for awhile. I’m just going to have to struggle through this, I always seem to manage. Despite all these things, things always seem to work out in some way for me.