But I should be okay

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Here I am in a dark pit of depression for no apparent reason again. Not that there is ever really much of a trigger for it, it’s just today I actually did some stuff that usually helps me feel more in control of my life.

I got 3 new piercings and my haircut. It’s usually a sure fire way to pick me up, but no. Nope. I feel worse than I did this morning.

I should mention that I’ve now stopped my Lithium again. The side effects just weren’t doing it for me. So that probably isn’t helping. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow so I guess we’ll see what we can do from there. I dunno what to  say if he suggests going back on some Lithium, I was still bad while taking it just maybe not this bad. I just really don’t want to be on it anymore. But being on one medication to manage my mania, anxiety and severe depression doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work. 

I don’t know, I guess I’m just scared. After being incredibly manic for so long suddenly being thrown back to possibly being depressed for months again is just terrifying. That and if I do need an anti-depressant again that’ll probably trigger bad manic times. I just can’t win.

Amazingly I still haven’t done anything to hurt myself. And when I say amazingly, I mean it. It’s a hard thing to beat. So are all the other urges. If it got bad enough I would definitely get myself back into hospital, but I really want to avoid that. I need to keep working so I can afford to pay off things. But I’m not silly enough to risk my life, I’d let my psych know it was that bad. Then he’d suggest it, and I’d agree. It’s a system that’s been working.

I guess I’ll just see what the next step is tomorrow.

Scars

Trigger warning: Self harm, eating disorder

My skin is a bit weird, some days you can barely see my scars and other days they are impossible to miss. Though some are always visible. I can’t remember when it was exactly that I stopped caring if anyone noticed them. Well that’s not entirely true, I do sometimes still wear longer sleeves in certain situations but I’ve eased back a lot.

Part of me wants to cover the most obvious ones on my upper arm but another part of me wants to keep them there. They remind me of a really tough time that I totally got through. Not that it’s quite the end yet, I’ve still got a way to go. The end of the night seems to be the hardest part.

I had a good day today, which makes it weird that I’m contemplating silly things again. It’s probably something related to being at the end of my medication or something since night is when I take it all now.

I haven’t hurt myself since before my last hospital stay, which is amazing. It’s a hard hard habit for me to break. One could say addiction even. But I’m doing well, well enough to even admit that I’m doing well. Which I don’t often do. I worry that the more I think about it the more I’ll think about doing it instead then I’ll do it. So maybe I’ll stop talking about it.

I think I’m just feeling weird again, which is very common for me. I’ve also gone and started thinking about my weight again. I’m just a bit too pleased about how little I’ve been able to eat lately due to some unrelated appetite issues. It’s lucky I can’t stand on a scale right now. I really don’t need to know what that number will be, I’m far too frustrated about not being able to go to the gym.

Anyway, I’ll be okay tonight. It’s time to try and sleep, I may actually get some if I’m lucky.

Bad times

Trigger warning: Self harm, suicide

I haven’t posted in awhile mostly because I’ve been too sick. I think it was the amount of Lithium I was on or the painkillers for my ankle, but all I could really manage was to lay in bed and somehow get to my appointments.

But now here I am posting, in one of the worst nights I’ve had since hospital. It’s kind of just got too much. The fractured ankle, my return of anxiety and this splitting headache that keeps appearing. It’s all very frustrating and it just feels like things keep getting in the way of me living my life, or something.

So here I am hiding in my room trying to convince myself that I don’t need to go to the hospital. Which sounds bad, maybe it is but sitting in a scary room in the hospital until probably tomorrow afternoon doesn’t sound ideal. Plus I have work tomorrow and chances are I’ll sleep this off. Or not and I’m actually entering a proper depressive episode but I guess that’s something I’ll have to deal with tomorrow.

Okay it sounds bad, but I can’t actually get into my hospital over the weekend and I’d need to get in contact with my psychiatrist. If I was really really bad I’d tell someone and get myself to the ER but now that I’m at the end of this post I’m not so bad.

Still struggling with a lot of urges that just happen to be stronger tonight but I think I can keep myself safe. Well I have so far anyway. 

I think I might go off Lithium when I see my psychiatrist next. Nausea has gone down mostly since reducing it but still I feel awful. The Saphris is even giving me unwanted side effects. When I take it I get more restless and this tingling sensation down my spine, which is very distracting from the whole sleep thing. Hell it’s distracting in general, I get too antsy to do anything. All things to talk about in my next appointment.

I have some homework from my psychologist too. She wants me to try breathing. Well, mindful breathing for 1min. Twice before I see her. For some reason it terrifies me, to slow down like that. To actually pay attention to myself. I generally try very hard to not notice whatever terrible feeling is going on, who knows what would happen if I let go for a minute. Of course I am trying to change that yes, cause it’s hard to experience things when you’re avoiding your own moods/feelings. That’s why I’m seeing her, to work on this stuff. So questions like “how are you?” aren’t just answered with a guess that may or may not be correct.

All things to think about. But I think I’ll be alright tonight now. Probably sleep soon, see what tomorrow brings.

Out

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

I got out the day after my last post. I would have posted earlier but I’ve been a bit pre-occupied.

I fractured my ankle. 

Day after I got out I decided to go for a jog and my foot got stuck in a hole and I managed to fracture it. Luckily some people stopped and I got a lift home and then a friend took me to the hospital. That was not a fun day for me. I spent it mostly crying, being frustrated and hating myself a lot for having done this to myself. Also pain, in a lot of pain. I’m still in a lot of pain.

Of course I should be easier on myself about this. I am one hell of a clumsy person yes, but that’s not something worth beating myself up over. I think I’ve developed a phobia of running now, to add to my list of ordinary things I’ve broken myself doing. At least I can laugh about it most days.

Maybe not today. Today is a bad day. I’ve actually spent the week and a bit finally out of hospital kind of manic. So I’ve been reasonably chipper considering everything. Especially considering how grumpy I get when I’m in large amounts of constant pain. Sure, I like pain - but only in certain instances.

First thing I did when I got out was throw out all of my blades, I decided it was the best time to kick that habit. Good I did, cause today I don’t feel so strong. I mean it’s not like I couldn’t anyway, but it is easier to resist when they’re not just sitting in my drawer.

I think aside from the day I broke my ankle this is my first real bad day since getting out. I’m back to considering suicide, and self harm and all that stuff. But it’s still early days for my new medication and it’s not as bad as it gets. My lack of ability to go anywhere is probably not helping either. Or the pain. I can’t even take painkillers that would help because of the Lithium. So I’m on a bit of codeine and it really doesn’t do much. Except make me feel ill. Or maybe that is still the withdrawals. I was taken off the Valproate and Seroquel very quickly to allow for me to leave hospital.

Hopefully this isn’t a descent into depression, I would like to not need antidepressants since they do seem to do bad things to my mania. I can’t help but feel skeptical still, I mean I get some crazy depression. And I’ve been on Lithium before, I definitely recall needing the antidepressants.

I guess I’ll see.

I will admit, it was priceless seeing my psychiatrists face when he realised I had broken my ankle, and my psychologist. Small things.

Want Out

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

I am so very close to telling my psychiatrist that I can’t do it anymore, being in here. It’s all voluntary and I think if I insisted he’d let me out but then again he could pull rank here and keep me here till I had come off everything he wants. Which will be soon anyway, maybe I could get myself out by the weekend.

I know I should stay in here, at least till the withdrawals and stuff is over and I’m off the Seroquel and Valproate completely too. And I’m at the right level of Lithium, cause it’s easier and quicker to do in here. I know I’ll have to try out this whole no anti-depressant thing out of hospital cause that will take some time to know fully.

This all probably seems a bit disjointed, I’m finding it hard to focus when the world seems to be spinning inside my head.

Long story short - I wish I could go home already but I guess I’ll stick it out a few more days. I don’t think I can go past this next weekend. But maybe I’ll have to, I don’t know. No, I’m going to ask tomorrow morning when the earliest is I could get out of here. I need to get out of here. Probably cause it wasn’t that long ago that I was in here anyway. I know, I’ve been here what, nearly 2 weeks. It’s been longer before. I can’t explain it, I just, maybe it’s all the chemical brain stuff. Maybe it’s cause like no one has been visiting me. It’s a busy time of year.

And if Valium is the best they can do to help my side effects, and some anti-nausea meds well I can do that at home anyway. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. Just today especially after being outside for parts of 3 days it has made me seriously homesick. I think I’m depressed today, welcome to that extreme of my moods. Can’t say it’s not expected, I’m not on anti-depressants and I don’t recall lithium being particularly helpful. Then again I don’t recall my time on it at all, sooooo….

I think I’m about to have a panic attack too. Aah my anxiety. Welcome back, you were so nicely suppressed on the Pristiq but here you are again. Lovely. I must trust my psychiatrist a lot to try this idea. Considering the fact that even weaker anti-depressants did nothing for me and left me in a deep - depression. Let’s try none at all!

Dizzy, no sleep

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

I am ridiculously dizzy today. I can only assume it’s another side effect of coming off everything and hope it’s not a side effect of going onto anything. I don’t think Lithium ever caused this but I can never be sure. I suppose I could probably read back in my own blog and see if I mentioned it.

Anyway today I get out for the day and night! Pretty excited. I have some good friends. One of which was going to bust me out for a picnic, but alas rain! So Mario Party and movies it is! Which is fine with me too. So far sitting in one spot isn’t going too badly for me, so I should be fine today despite side effects.

I am determined to have a good day out of here, I’m wearing my adventure time shirt and everything!

Withdrawals

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

So, withdrawal side effects aren’t fun. Or whatever it is going on here. So while it’s only the first day I’ve stopped the Pristiq it’s been long enough since the reduced dose that it would be doing stuff to me. Plus you know, all that other stuff coming out of my system.

I am hot/cold, shaking - sometimes my head just won’t stop shaking - and pretty much just on the verge of a panic attack or tears or both. Just all of it today. 

I’m going to try going down to the gym. Doing weights usually makes me feel better. I’d box, but they got rid of the bag awhile ago. Have to wait till I get home to use mine. Which, tomorrow I’ve been granted leave so I can spend the day and night at home. Hang out with my adorable cat. Do my assignment. You know, the important things. Oh, I think I might have pizza even. If I can afford pizza. I mean, what else am I gonna eat? I have no food at home.

The Plan

After talking to my psychiatrist this morning I have more of an idea of what the plan is exactly. Today is my first day without any antidepressants in years (aside from the occasional forgetful day) and apparently the plan is to see if I can get by without any!

Of course I’ll be on other medications to hopefully stabalise my mood but the idea is that maybe they’ll both work as a replacement to antidepressants too. The risk with my Bipolar and antidepressants is that they often lead to rapid cycling. And I can attest that any that have made a dent on my depression has also been very bad for my overall stability.

I’m currently on Lithium and Saphros. Apparently Lithium also works well for depression and Saphros for anxiety so he is hoping combined they cover me for my mania, depression and anxiety. He is always trying to make sure I am on the least possible medication that works, which is good. I hate medication.

I’ll admit I’m skeptical. I get deep depression, but while in hospital seems like the best place to test it out. He hopes between another 1 - 2 weeks and I’ll be out of here. Sounds good to me, I don’t like being here too long. Only because I hate hospitals, the staff are all lovely and the place is quite nice.

I’m going to have to find a different hospital and psychiatrist, psychologist when I move to Melbourne. That is probably the hardest part about leaving Brisbane. I don’t open up easily. Funny to say that on a blog that I’ve just made a whole lot more public.

Coming off Everything

Well today was my last day of Pristiq. So I can look forward to all of those lovely withdrawals. My Seroquel and Valproate have also been dramatically lowered. To give you a bit of an idea here is what my regular doses were:
Pristiq - 150mg
Seroquel XR - 400mg
Valproate - 1500mg

and I still needed
Valium - morning and night - 5mg

Now:
Pristiq - 50mg this morning but now nothing
Seroquel XR - 100mg
Valproate - 500mg

And the extras are…
Lithium and Saphros! 

I can’t remember their doses though. Sounds bad, but seriously focusing on anything right now is a mission. How I’m even finishing uni work is amazing. I’ve also been on Lithium before, I can’t remember if it helped that much. Well, at the time it was worth coming off it to try other things. Oh and did I mention coming of Valproate *could* induce a seizure? Great isn’t it. Oh and Lithium, each time you stop it there are some studies that say it increases Manic symptoms. So yeah. I think the idea is that I’ll be on Lithium and Valproate but he just wants to be sure the Valproate is helping.

So here I am with my world falling away piece by piece, coming off everything. 

I am quite easily distracted and side tracked. I’ve done nothing productive today really, I meant to get a head start on an assignment but it looks pretty easy. I’ll do it tomorrow. I also have to record a video for it but I’ll do that when I get some leave and am at home. Better recording equipment than this mac, but I could do it here in a pinch.

On a side note, I’m actually doing a talk at a games conference relating to self care. My experience with mental health and going through a degree and still making games and stuff with it all gives me some perspective that I suppose I can share. That’s the idea anyway. It makes me consider making this blog public more and more. I know more people would then have access to it hopefully, and maybe that would help some people. 

Of course that also leaves me quite open, I mean I haven’t made huge steps in concealing this since I always wanted to link it to me but I still have some hesitation.

But really, what is the worst that can happen? I want to honest and open about my past because I shouldn’t feel like I have to hide these things. I have a disease that is treatable, and I am getting it treated.

I think I might have just talked myself into it.

Inducing Mania

Trigger warning: Suicide

I really shouldn’t be trying to induce mania just to avoid depression, but that was what I was doing before I came into hospital. Even while in here. Drinking coffee does have an affect on my mood, it does push it up - which is not good. Yet there I was doing assignments buzzing from 2 pepsis, a coffee and a huge energy drink. (Rockstar, Gauva, seriously that stuff is fantastic) Anyway I’m off point, and far far behind in my uni work. But that really shouldn’t be an excuse to do this.

Truth is, I’m scared. Terrified of who I might become when they balance me out. There is still a part of me that is resisting this whole medicated thing. I’m not sure I’m ready to give it all up. But I know, I know, that I won’t live very long this way. Part of me feels like I should experience it all before I give it all up. I guess maybe I’m afraid I won’t be the same confident person I am when I’m manic. The flip side is I’m all nerves. Maybe I will find a good balance. That is what they say. Part of me just doesn’t believe it. I’m not convinced I even know what that normal range is, so who is to say I’ll be anywhere near as cool.

I suppose I’ll be alive at least. I’ll always have my story too.

Psychiatrist hasn’t been in the past 2 days, he is sick so I am freaking out a bit about what is going on with my medication. Then my psychologist found me to put down a time to talk, that’ll be in exactly a week. Ah well, I have busy doctors.

Up, Up, Up?

Well today started great! Then I majorly freaked out. That wasn’t good, but a friend helped distract me and sort myself out. Then my roommate stressed me out so I ended up having to have some Valium but now I have that aside omg I have hit the perfect mania again.

I had all kinds of bad types today but right now I am creative, thrilled, excited, dangerously close to the edge but never mind that. I find I am at the best when I walk the line. At the best creativly, productivly anything.

When I am on the verge of each extreme. It sounds weird, you’d think tipping back from the cliff would be solid ground but instead it’s another kind of fall. I almost like this too much. It’s dangerous. But I do my best work. I feel like I could solve anything right now.

WHICH is why I am making a game on Bipolar. I’ve decided it’s gonna be bipolar cause right now, it’s not just the depression I’m fighting. It’s so much more and Bipolar still feels too taboo. Still too stigmatised. I want to change that. I am GOING to change that.

Why not change the world. Why not.

In again, for round...??

I’m back in hospital, was a bit of a wait this time. Just a busy time of year, for some reason. So far I am manic, I haven’t slept but I am sure they’ll drug me up tonight. 

Plan is to take me off everything, see how I am and then try a bunch of new things. I’m also gonna try and finish assignments in here too. Gonna be a hell of a time.

All the Signs

Trigger warning: Suicide

By now I am very capable of recognising the signs of mania, especially in myself. So here I am sitting at my desk figuring out a programming problem/assignment and it feels just like all those nights in my last degree. My nights of genius, where I would declare myself the god of code, or 3d, or basically whatever it was that I was succeeding at.

I now realise, as I realise how manic I am now, that it was mania all those times. Those times I stayed up 3 days straight to make a game for class. That whole culture of not sleeping, drinking and working at weird hours to get stuff done I could have done weeks ago.

It poses a question and a problem to me now. I have been skipping my Seroquel the past, 3 - 4 nights. Maybe it’s actually been a week. I figure, I am coming off them anyway when I go into hospital and I really need to get this work done before then. So I have had more and more of this mania.

Sometimes it’s manageable, like now, and I’m fine. Productive even. But other times I come close to just taking all the pills in my drawer. The problem is, I have missed this. My “current” meds don’t allow me to be this functional at this time. I’d be passing out around now, and around 8pm onwards I’d probably be too sedated to do anything useful at all.

Will I lose everything if I “cure” myself of this manic behaviour. I want to feel like this, I don’t want to be numb and sedated half the time. I don’t think I can live like that. I just don’t know. Will I lose my brilliant mind if I cloud it with all these drugs?

I know I know, it’s such a cliche. I’m bipolar and manic. OF COURSE I want to go off my meds. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean I’m right. I don’t know what it means. Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain for these moments. Is it worth the chance I may not live long enough to fulfill my potential. Or would I never fulfill it anyway because I can’t think or work properly half the time.

Lost count

Back to hospital for me again, as soon as they have a bed for me. The plan is to take me off all my meds to see if any are working then start from there. Trialling different stuff until they find something to help. My psychiatrist also wants to sign me up to a DBT program, but that’ll be once I get out I guess.

I’m not going to let any of this stop me from studying though. I can still do this. I will do this.

Medication side effects

When the floor starts to move like the ocean, it’s a pretty good indication of when to go to bed…

Mania

I feel, everything. I am everything. Why would I ever not want to be this way.

Missed Appointment

I missed my first appointment with my psychiatrist, ever. Somehow I have always managed to get there and on time but today for some reason I was so sure it was at 2pm but nope, 1.30pm. 

Couldn’t have been worse timing, I really could have used seeing him today. Oh well, luckily he had an opening tomorrow. Which is amazing considering how busy he gets.

Today has been a bad day. But now at the end of it after a cold cold shower it seems a little bit better.

I also thought I had missed an assignment date, but turns out I hadn’t. I should probably get started on it actually…

Appointment with the psychiatrist

Trigger warning: Suicide and Self Harm

It didn’t go as well as I guess I had hoped. I still can’t cry in front of him so afterwards I again hid in the bathroom and cried.

I did tell him though that I both wanted to punch a brick wall and cry, and that if I went back to my job today I would probably cry more than work. Not that I’m going back to work that soon, I’ve put myself down for the next roster though.

We are still waiting to see if maybe this med combo works. He doesn’t want to be too aggressive with the medication since it’s hard to tell whether it’s the mood cycling or my personality disorder taking the lead here. 

But if things get drastic, we can totally change up my meds, in hospital of course. If I’m still like this in a week when I see him again, I think that is what I’m going to have to opt for. I can’t keep living like this.

Wanting to live right now is questionable.

Hopefully the structure of my new degree and going back to work (when I do) help me out too. Apparently structure is great. I’ll do up a weekly schedule tomorrow, then later on I’ll add gym and making healthy food stuffs as well or something.

For now, I continue to wait and take more Valium and Seroquel. (doctors orders, no really)

Unhelpful Advice

I can’t express how hurtful this kind of advice can be, sure I agree exercise and a balanced diet help things (not that I can afford any diet currently) but they aren’t the one thing hindering me from being a healthy able bodied person.

Please, PLEASE do not tell me to think of people in other countries who have it worse off than me. I am aware of that! I know how fucking brilliant my life is and all the opportunities I get. I am even luckier still to be somewhere that I can afford the medication and the health care I need! I know this, this actually makes me feel worse about still feeling this bad.

Like I don’t deserve to be depressed which just leads to a whole other cycle of badness. I don’t take my life for granted, I have a lot of luck in my life. Otherwise I wouldn’t be alive and in the position I am today. I am trying, the fact that I’m seeking any help at all is amazing really. I also really lucked out with my psychiatrist and psychologist.

I just had to get this out there. I actually did a talk on this the other day, so instead of ignoring the advice and being mad I tried to explain it a bit and explain that it did hurt me. 

First day back at Uni

I’m not sure that that title works since I’m studying online but, lectures and stuff started today and I couldn’t really be bothered figuring it all out yet. I guess I will tomorrow when I get home/Wednesday. I have an assignment already and so far can only find one actual lecture out of 4 subjects. Oh well.

I think I’m just getting more depressed, and the extra sleeping sure isn’t helping. I am napping far too much. It’s a good sign with me that I’m well into a depressive episode. At lease I see my psychiatrist Wednesday. Figure out what to do from there I guess. I think a med change may be on the cards. Otherwise I may never get out of bed to actually do this degree.